I wrote this entry the other night - and then my laptop ate it because I bumped something on the mouse "pad" thingy and typed a key that closed the window.  And it happend twice!  Annoyance.

We'll see if I can remember half of what I wanted to say.

So guess who has strep throat now?  Oh yes, John was kind enough to share.  For the next few days we will be boiling our toothbrushes to disinfect them and then maybe when I'm done with the antibiotics we'll switch to brand new?

I think we're going to buy new pillows and get all the bedding washed this weekend as well.  I've been throwing glasses into the dishwasher every day so that we don't keep using the ones we've already used for water and what not.  I guess if nothing else it's helping keep the house cleaner.

John had a little crying jag/break down the other night.  Expressing his deep sorrow for having hurt me/us by not just telling me where he was and that he needed to crash - (to be honest, yeah I would have felt weird that he was at a chicks place, but I wouldn't have felt betrayed) - and sobbed through it saying that he doesn't know why he couldn't tell me, doesn't know why he lets his fear of losing me or upsetting me win and make the wrong call.  He wishes he could go back and do what he should have done so that we could be happy again and not fight all the time and that I would trust him and not have to question what's in his phone and fully believe him and that he doesn't know why I've stayed with him even before this that he doesn't deserve me and I deserve so much more - someone who can support you and a family which he'll never be able to do.

It was heartbreaking.  I asked him if he's ever let go of things like this with his therapist and he said no.  I told him that I think he needs to... he has an intake appointment or something on the 17th - so send prayers that he'll finally find the right therapist who will get him to get all of this out.  He has a lot of anger and selfishness built up from I think middle school/high school ages - kids picked on him a lot - and mentally, I'm not sure what we'll find out is *wrong* with him.  But I just pray that we'll find the right person and the right diagnosis because there has to be someone out there that can help him.  I can't.  I'm glad I can say that - but I can love him. 

He is planning on talking to a career counselor from his college - maybe to find out what he would really like to do that he can make a living at more easily than theater.

My poor crazy man child.  I'm also hoping that Pastor K will get in touch with us soon regarding the results so we can move forward with our premarital counseling as well.

Pick up dance lessons again next week - guess who hasn't practice?  Yup, that would be us.  Hopefully I can feel better and we can get some of that in this weekend.

It's good to be back at work - kind of - would have LOVED to have worked from home today - cuz i'm sleepy sleepy right now.

OH - so lately I find myself waking up to use the restroom or something and I'll sit on the edge of the bed before standing up and next thing you know, I wake up as I'm falling back onto John because I've fallen asleep.  Is there such a thing as sleep sitting? 

Back to work I go... <3

We had a wonderful meeting with Pastor K last night - sat on the couches at the church and talked for about 2 hours.  At the end he told us that he truly enjoyed spending time with us this evening as we are two bright people.  He feels that we have great communication skills and are rational - though we still have some things to learn about each other and how we communicate.

One thing he said last night that I never had thought of was about John telling me what I want to hear.  That perhaps John takes longer to process how he's feeling or whatever and so he's telling me something immediately because he knows I have that need to have an answer right away - but he's still figuring out what he's really thinking.  That I'm more of an outward thinker - hearing myself think something through by talking to someone else is important.  That John needs to tell me he needs more time to think about it, instead of just giving me a filler answer.  That was a great item to learn - hopefully we can put those two things into practice.

He is checking into sending us a link to take the Prepare survey online so that the results would likely come faster.  I'm really looking forward to continuing counseling with him.  I wish there was a way to get him involved in my ceremony - but he'll hopefully be able to attend and that would be wonderful.

I need to check in with my Uncle Tony and verify that he has been licensed in MN and if not, figure out what needs to be done to make that happen.  I've been awaiting his response to my email regarding Unity Sand instead of the candle - but he hasn't written me back yet.  Perhaps he's at a conference right now, I'm not sure.  Maybe I should just give him a call tonight.

Do you know how many calls I seem to have to make these days?  I also need to verify with mom that she even called the seamstress - she was going to set up a time for me to take the dress and get the bustle sewn in.  I bet she didn't do it though because she found her own dress to wear.  Hmmpf.  People tell me I need to designate things - but sometimes I guess you just can't.

John & I were "treated" for our Grains "Allergy" at the Chiropractor last night - so that means until 6:30 pm today, we're not supposed to consume or touch whole grains/pastas/rice/bread etc.  I don't have tons of fruit in the house - so I just ate plain hotdogs for breakfast.  lol

I'm waiting on Paul to call and tell me he's ready for work so we can head over.  I got a new property yesterday and have to transition my old "easier" one to another accountant on my team.  This month end will be interesting.  Yikes!

I have created a new wedding website - I will post the link here when I get a chance, actually I might just send out a message so that it's not public.

Getting the guest list finalized and invitations put together this weekend - I hope!

I think I'm out for the day, have a great one!

Why does my throat hurt worse today?  I'm on day 4 of antibiotics, so I shouldn't be getting sick with John's strep throat, right?

OWIE!

Well my mom was heading to have dinner when we called, so we ended up telling John's mom first.  (Sorry dads, it's just easier to talk to moms!)  So she was really glad to hear that we weren't thinking it was over.  And she got to listen to me sob a lot because I couldn't even speak when she asked what was up.  lol  She really is awesome.

She thinks that we don't need to rush into a rash decision about postponing - but that they will support whatever we ultimately decide to do.  She really believes we have something worth working for and that relationships are new for both of us.  Asked if John not being responsive or communicative about his plans was common and we said yes, but it had never been that long before and obviously had never had the same outcome.  I'm sure no mom would like to believe their son would cheat on his significant other, but I don't think he did either.  I think he's pretty obtuse when it comes to someone liking him, so he probably didn't REALLY know she would try to go there.  But he still knew he was doing wrong by not telling me.  I really do feel he regrets his decision and he is eager to figure out how to make it right.  And we're working on it.

Did I mention that on top of this, I'm still getting over my cold and he went to urgent care this morning to be diagnosed with STREP.  lol  Wow, talk about an action packed week.

For now, we await the conversation with my parents.  And then we'll figure out the final decision at this time.

So I might not have to tell everyone at work that the wedding is postponed, which would be fabulous because I was definitely dreading that.  But I will, if we need to.  It certainly felt good to hear his mom's vote of confidence in us.

She has offered to come over and help with whatever we need - and wondered if she should come over and feed us chicken soup and vitamins.  She really is probably the best MIL a girl could ask for.  That was another thing that made me so sad.  I can't imagine another set of inlaws.  I just can't.

Love you all!  <3

Well I'm almost half way through the day.  Mid-year review went well.  Hoping to promote by EOY, so that would be nice.

John suggested last night that we talk to Pastor Kent about this and figure out how he can make it right.

I never thought I'd have to deal with something like this.

I don't really think he cheated.

I do feel disrespected and hurt.

I would probably tell a girlfriend to be over it.

But if she told me he was willing to work on things and is actively pursuing counseling, I might agree it's worth a shot.

I've seen a couple (my brother) where both cheated on the other, and they're still together 12 years later.  I know people can make it work.

I know he needs to grow the heck up.  And I feel that's the main problem here.  He has been having a hard time mentally with the idea of being a grown up for a long time.  Is that something he can actually change?  I don't know.

I know I'm in a lease I can't afford by myself.

I know I would hate to postpone something that a lot of money is already into, only to finish the job a year later.

I would hate to regret getting married.

I would hate to regret not getting married.

I would hate to regret not being able to forgive.

I would hate to regret forgiving.

I feel like part of him making it right is going to involve apologizing to me in front of my parents, perhaps in front of his as well.  For him to own up to being childish to the people that support us.  I don't know why I think this would make me feel better.  Maybe it would let me have more confidence in him realizing he needs to grow up - and would show me that he can man up when his back is against the wall.

I can't imagine how my life would change without him.

I can't imagine my life staying exactly the same - but I know people always grow, people always change, whether for the worse or better.

I'm scared to talk to Wisssh tonight   I don't think I'm going to like what she has to tell me.

I'm excited to talk to Wissh tonight.

I really don't like feeling this way.

And I suppose, I should get back to work.

Sometimes I hate my instincts.  Oh my GOD I never should have looked in his phone.

So John has started to pick up my cold.  He went to take a shower before bed tonight (and he'd slept all of the afternoon away) so I grabbed his phone to put his address for work tomorrow in so he wouldn't have to.  But when I got to the computer I realized he already put it in there.

For some reason I felt drawn to look at his texts.

Who's Brenda?

Oh, it's a girl he works with, apparently, that I've never heard of before (entirely likely that she works with him, he doesn't talk about a lot of people) but I've certainly never heard the name. 

And guess who's couch it was that he slept on the night he didn't come home.  Oh yes, it was hers.

He is sleeping in the spare room tonight.  I am so fucking pissed and hurt and I have NO idea where I go from here.  I have NO idea why he has to lie all the time.  I don't want to cancel my wedding.  I want to be married and I want to have babies and I don't ever want to have to look for someone again.

How the hell am I going to work tomorrow.  How will I make it through the day.  OHHH my GOD I don't know what to do.  And I'm supposed to have my mid-year review tomorrow... and some how hold it together.  Holy crap.

I just reread the title from my Sunday post.  lol  That isn't what I thought I wrote - nothing like being high on Nyquil!

I'm (for the first time) watching an episode of Ruby.  And as with a number of women I see on TV or in person, I look at them, determine that they are larger than I am, and am then shocked to find out that I weigh more than they do.

For some reason (and probably a large part of why I have a hard time cutting back and being more attentive to what I'm doing) I see myself as I looked probably 100 pounds lighter.  I weigh 370 pounds.  Granted, that's 5 less than the scale at my doctor's appointment in LF when I got the spider bite - but really?  Holy crap!  I don't have any idea what I was weighing when I tried on and bought my wedding dress, but there is a chance that I weigh more now.  I need to get my crap under control.  I have to believe that me drinking water almost all the time is going to help things - but it can't do it all!

As soon as this ear infection clears out, I gotta get moving.  I can't live my life like this.

And I know we have all been touched by addiction in our lives, but I would quit smoking 50 times over, if I didn't have an addiction to food.  Its so much easier to give up something that you don't have to have to survive.  The problem is that I have food-gasms.  Seriously, probably one of the best ways to describe my addiction, it's so pleasureful. 

Gah!

SOOO yeah, I have this ear infection - and I'm on Amoxicillin 875 mg TWICE a day.  I don't think I've ever had an antibiotic that potent... I guess ear infections aren't anything to mess around with.

So there are still plenty of things to do - but we did get some Bridesmaid Dresses picked out at David's Bridal on Friday night.

This DRESS but in black:  LINK

It's just a totally different material than the other dresses - and this in black compared to the other materials in black was a no contest on elegance.

I think the girls can wear whatever shoes they are comfortable in (black, of course) and I will be picking out the hair pieces and jewelry sometime soon.

All but one groomsman are measured & since it's a wedding part of 8, so four guys, John's tux is free.  Nice!  We have to pay $5 for insurance though.  Oh well!

Paul ordered suspenders for his tux rental, but the lady said it's like $10 to rent.  Well, I'm going to double check on that price next time we're in and then go buy them.  My dad will need them, as will John.  Not sure if Mark will want them.  Guess we'll find out.

We made our music choices the other week - so that is nice to have behind us.  We found two pre-printed (front cover) programs that we liked but are discussing "creating" our own - either way we would be printing the insides ourselves.  Eeek! 

Haven't finished putting together the invitations yet, but have about a month so it is overall, okay.  I feel like I've been hit by a truck today (stupid sinus viral type thing) and have been Nyquilling it for about, well almost 24 hours now.  Will continue until I need to switch to Dayquil for work tomorrow.  Should make reporting time fun.  Eeek!

Next weekend we are heading back to SD to finish up the bouquets and create the center pieces.  I need to remember to bring boxes with for transporting them home.

AND time to go back to bed.

So I'm searching the net, trying to figure out how I can check jails and hospitals, as I'm seriously starting to freak out now.

And I get a text.

"Fell asleep on a couch.  Meant to be an hour.  I am so sorry."

*cry*

Okay, he's okay.  So glad he's okay.  I'm so fucking pissed and I'm glad he's okay.