Why does my throat hurt worse today?  I'm on day 4 of antibiotics, so I shouldn't be getting sick with John's strep throat, right?

OWIE!

Well my mom was heading to have dinner when we called, so we ended up telling John's mom first.  (Sorry dads, it's just easier to talk to moms!)  So she was really glad to hear that we weren't thinking it was over.  And she got to listen to me sob a lot because I couldn't even speak when she asked what was up.  lol  She really is awesome.

She thinks that we don't need to rush into a rash decision about postponing - but that they will support whatever we ultimately decide to do.  She really believes we have something worth working for and that relationships are new for both of us.  Asked if John not being responsive or communicative about his plans was common and we said yes, but it had never been that long before and obviously had never had the same outcome.  I'm sure no mom would like to believe their son would cheat on his significant other, but I don't think he did either.  I think he's pretty obtuse when it comes to someone liking him, so he probably didn't REALLY know she would try to go there.  But he still knew he was doing wrong by not telling me.  I really do feel he regrets his decision and he is eager to figure out how to make it right.  And we're working on it.

Did I mention that on top of this, I'm still getting over my cold and he went to urgent care this morning to be diagnosed with STREP.  lol  Wow, talk about an action packed week.

For now, we await the conversation with my parents.  And then we'll figure out the final decision at this time.

So I might not have to tell everyone at work that the wedding is postponed, which would be fabulous because I was definitely dreading that.  But I will, if we need to.  It certainly felt good to hear his mom's vote of confidence in us.

She has offered to come over and help with whatever we need - and wondered if she should come over and feed us chicken soup and vitamins.  She really is probably the best MIL a girl could ask for.  That was another thing that made me so sad.  I can't imagine another set of inlaws.  I just can't.

Love you all!  <3

Well I'm almost half way through the day.  Mid-year review went well.  Hoping to promote by EOY, so that would be nice.

John suggested last night that we talk to Pastor Kent about this and figure out how he can make it right.

I never thought I'd have to deal with something like this.

I don't really think he cheated.

I do feel disrespected and hurt.

I would probably tell a girlfriend to be over it.

But if she told me he was willing to work on things and is actively pursuing counseling, I might agree it's worth a shot.

I've seen a couple (my brother) where both cheated on the other, and they're still together 12 years later.  I know people can make it work.

I know he needs to grow the heck up.  And I feel that's the main problem here.  He has been having a hard time mentally with the idea of being a grown up for a long time.  Is that something he can actually change?  I don't know.

I know I'm in a lease I can't afford by myself.

I know I would hate to postpone something that a lot of money is already into, only to finish the job a year later.

I would hate to regret getting married.

I would hate to regret not getting married.

I would hate to regret not being able to forgive.

I would hate to regret forgiving.

I feel like part of him making it right is going to involve apologizing to me in front of my parents, perhaps in front of his as well.  For him to own up to being childish to the people that support us.  I don't know why I think this would make me feel better.  Maybe it would let me have more confidence in him realizing he needs to grow up - and would show me that he can man up when his back is against the wall.

I can't imagine how my life would change without him.

I can't imagine my life staying exactly the same - but I know people always grow, people always change, whether for the worse or better.

I'm scared to talk to Wisssh tonight   I don't think I'm going to like what she has to tell me.

I'm excited to talk to Wissh tonight.

I really don't like feeling this way.

And I suppose, I should get back to work.

Sometimes I hate my instincts.  Oh my GOD I never should have looked in his phone.

So John has started to pick up my cold.  He went to take a shower before bed tonight (and he'd slept all of the afternoon away) so I grabbed his phone to put his address for work tomorrow in so he wouldn't have to.  But when I got to the computer I realized he already put it in there.

For some reason I felt drawn to look at his texts.

Who's Brenda?

Oh, it's a girl he works with, apparently, that I've never heard of before (entirely likely that she works with him, he doesn't talk about a lot of people) but I've certainly never heard the name. 

And guess who's couch it was that he slept on the night he didn't come home.  Oh yes, it was hers.

He is sleeping in the spare room tonight.  I am so fucking pissed and hurt and I have NO idea where I go from here.  I have NO idea why he has to lie all the time.  I don't want to cancel my wedding.  I want to be married and I want to have babies and I don't ever want to have to look for someone again.

How the hell am I going to work tomorrow.  How will I make it through the day.  OHHH my GOD I don't know what to do.  And I'm supposed to have my mid-year review tomorrow... and some how hold it together.  Holy crap.

I just reread the title from my Sunday post.  lol  That isn't what I thought I wrote - nothing like being high on Nyquil!

I'm (for the first time) watching an episode of Ruby.  And as with a number of women I see on TV or in person, I look at them, determine that they are larger than I am, and am then shocked to find out that I weigh more than they do.

For some reason (and probably a large part of why I have a hard time cutting back and being more attentive to what I'm doing) I see myself as I looked probably 100 pounds lighter.  I weigh 370 pounds.  Granted, that's 5 less than the scale at my doctor's appointment in LF when I got the spider bite - but really?  Holy crap!  I don't have any idea what I was weighing when I tried on and bought my wedding dress, but there is a chance that I weigh more now.  I need to get my crap under control.  I have to believe that me drinking water almost all the time is going to help things - but it can't do it all!

As soon as this ear infection clears out, I gotta get moving.  I can't live my life like this.

And I know we have all been touched by addiction in our lives, but I would quit smoking 50 times over, if I didn't have an addiction to food.  Its so much easier to give up something that you don't have to have to survive.  The problem is that I have food-gasms.  Seriously, probably one of the best ways to describe my addiction, it's so pleasureful. 

Gah!

SOOO yeah, I have this ear infection - and I'm on Amoxicillin 875 mg TWICE a day.  I don't think I've ever had an antibiotic that potent... I guess ear infections aren't anything to mess around with.

So there are still plenty of things to do - but we did get some Bridesmaid Dresses picked out at David's Bridal on Friday night.

This DRESS but in black:  LINK

It's just a totally different material than the other dresses - and this in black compared to the other materials in black was a no contest on elegance.

I think the girls can wear whatever shoes they are comfortable in (black, of course) and I will be picking out the hair pieces and jewelry sometime soon.

All but one groomsman are measured & since it's a wedding part of 8, so four guys, John's tux is free.  Nice!  We have to pay $5 for insurance though.  Oh well!

Paul ordered suspenders for his tux rental, but the lady said it's like $10 to rent.  Well, I'm going to double check on that price next time we're in and then go buy them.  My dad will need them, as will John.  Not sure if Mark will want them.  Guess we'll find out.

We made our music choices the other week - so that is nice to have behind us.  We found two pre-printed (front cover) programs that we liked but are discussing "creating" our own - either way we would be printing the insides ourselves.  Eeek! 

Haven't finished putting together the invitations yet, but have about a month so it is overall, okay.  I feel like I've been hit by a truck today (stupid sinus viral type thing) and have been Nyquilling it for about, well almost 24 hours now.  Will continue until I need to switch to Dayquil for work tomorrow.  Should make reporting time fun.  Eeek!

Next weekend we are heading back to SD to finish up the bouquets and create the center pieces.  I need to remember to bring boxes with for transporting them home.

AND time to go back to bed.

So I'm searching the net, trying to figure out how I can check jails and hospitals, as I'm seriously starting to freak out now.

And I get a text.

"Fell asleep on a couch.  Meant to be an hour.  I am so sorry."

*cry*

Okay, he's okay.  So glad he's okay.  I'm so fucking pissed and I'm glad he's okay.

... of reading about my favorite xanga moms waiting up for their kids, but it's expected to happen at some point, almost, right?

Well what are you to do when your freaking FIANCE isn't home yet, it's 5AM and he's not answering his phone or texts?  I'm trying to just be mad, but of course it's more that I'm concerned and worried. 

I think I just need to resign myself to the fact that he's not coming home tonight.  I have no idea how to decide how I feel about that - or more what I'm going to say about that.

This is ridiculous.

I am doing better now.  Last night John and I went over our checklist of wedding stuff - finally picked out ceremony music, which was actually a pretty fun time!

We are set up to meet with John's Pastor on Sept 5th to begin our premarital counseling.  I'm eager to get this completed.  After we are finished with that then we have to talk to my Uncle (Pastor performing the ceremony) about what we've learned.  I'm still thankful that my Uncle can marry us, it's very special!

On Saturday we are bringing all but one of the guys to get fitted for their tuxes.  And then we'll be picking out the bridesmaid dresses.  I know, I know, that should have been done forever ago - but I couldn't find anything that made sense for a November wedding.  Then my SIL bought a black dress because she thought she was supposed to just buy whatever black dress she liked so that turned into a little fiasco prompting the last entry.  I don't even want to get into the specifics because it really upset me over all.  I still think/hope that we're looking at having Lori make the dresses so it will be less expensive - but we'll see.  I have to call her today and hopefully get some things down.

And now I should finish getting ready for work.  But things are moving along again, and you really can't ask for much more than that I guess.